# Looking out a dirty, old window?
? Outside the cars in the city go rushing by?
? I sit here alone, and I wonder why?
? Friday night and everyone's moving?
? I can feel the heat?
? But it's soothing?
? Heading down?
? I search for the beat in this dirty town?
? Downtown, the young ones are going?
? Downtown, the young ones are growing?
? We're the kids in America?
? We're the kids in America??
So, O.K., you're probably going,
Is this, like, a Noxema commercial or what?
But seriously,
I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.
I mean, I get up, I brush my teeth.
And I pick out my school clothes.
? They do it over there?
? But we don't do it here?
? Ooh, bop?
? Fashion?
? Turn to the left?
? Fashion?
? Turn to the right?
? Ooh, fashion??
Daddy's a litigator.
Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.
Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him.
And Daddy is so good,
he gets $500 an hour to fight with people.
He fights with me for free.
Daddy!
Cher, please don't start with the juice again.
Daddy, you need your Vitamin C.
Where's my briefcase?
It's been a couple months now. Let's go to Malibu.
Don't tell me those lowlifes
have been calling again.
They are your parents.
Don't sneak out of the office.
Dr. Lovett's giving you a flu shot.
Josh is coming for dinner.
Why?
He's your stepbrother!
You were hardly married to his mother.
Why do I have to see Josh?
You divorce wives, not children.
Here.
Forget it!
Did I show you the loqued out Jeep Daddy got me?
It's got four-wheel drive, dual side airbags,
and a monster sound system.
I don't have a license yet,
but I need something to learn on.
Boy! That came out of nowhere!
Here's where Dionne lives.
She's my friend
because we both know what it's like
to have people jealous of us.
- Girlfriend! - I must give her snaps
for her courageous fashion efforts.
Hey, Cher.
Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past
who now do infomercials.
So?
Been shopping with Dr. Seuss?
I wouldn't skin a collie for a backpack.
It's faux.
Hello! That was a stop sign.
I totally paused.
Yeah. O.K.
It's not even 8:30, and Murray is paging me.
He is so possessive.
This weekend he called me,
and he's all, Where were you today?
Dionne and her boyfriend Murray
are in this dramatic relationship.
I think they've seen that lke and Tina Turner movie
just too many times.
Now, I have to say to her...
Why do you put up with it? You could do better.
I know. Shh. Here he comes.
Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?
I hate when you call me woman.
Where you been all weekend?
You jeepin' behind my back?
Jeepin'.
No! But speaking of vehicular sex,
perhaps you can explain how this Kmart hair extension
got into the backseat of your car.
I don't know where that came from.
That looks like one of your stringy something or anothers.
I do not wear polyester hair, O.K.?
Unlike Shawanna.
Dee, I'm Audi.
Bye.
That's it. I've had it with you.
Is it that time of the month again?
I don't know why
Dionne's going out with a high school boy.
They're like dogs.
You have to clean them and feed them.
They're just like these nervous creatures
that jump and slobber all over you.
Ew! Get off of me!
[Crash]
Oh, as if!
Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?
Amber will take the con position.
Cher will be pro.
Cher, two minutes.
So. O.K.
Like, right now, for example,
the Haiti-ans need to come to America.
Some people are all,
What about the strain on our resources?
Like, when I had this garden party
for my father's birthday, right?
I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner.
But people came that, like, did not RSVP,
so I was, like, totally buggin'.
I had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings.
By the end of the day,
it was, like, the more the merrier.
So if the government could just get to the kitchen,
rearrange some things,
we could certainly party with the Haiti-ans.
May I remind you that it does not say RSVP
on the Statue of Liberty?
- Whoo! - Yeah!
Thank you very much.
[Applause]
Amber, reply?
Mr. Hall, how can I answer that?
The topic is Haiti,
and she's talking about some little party.
Hello! It was his 50th birthday.
Whatever.
If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
Ladies.
So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration?
Elton, comments?
Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD.
I got to go to the quad before somebody snags it.
I'm afraid I can't permit that.
Any further insights?
I have an insight, Mr. Hall.
I'm all ears.
O.K., like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones
is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails,
so I really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?
Yes, well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti,
but tolerance is always a good lesson.
Even when it comes out of nowhere.
And with that in mind,
I'm going to distribute your report cards.
Now, is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?
Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian
is that his parents have joint custody.
He'll be spending one semester in Chicago
and one semester here.
I think it is a travesty of the legal profession.
Thank you for that perspective, Cher.
[Whimpering]
Could all conversations please come to a halt?
And could the suicide attempts
please be postponed till the next period?
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.
I got a C in Debate?
[Bell Ringing]
Dee?
Did you get your report card?
Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?
I totally choked.
My father's going to go ballistic on me.
Mr. Hall was way harsh.
He gave me a C-minus.
He gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.
Bye.
I'll call you.
Isn't my house classic?
The columns date all the way back to 1972.
Wasn't my mom a Betty?
She died when I was just a baby.
A fluke accident during a routine liposuction.
I don't remember her,
but I like to pretend she still watches over me.
Hey, Mom. 98 in Geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?
[Soft Music Playing]
Yuck! The maudlin music of the university station?
Wah wah wah!
Yuck! What is it about college and crybaby music?
Hey.
Who's watching the Galleria?
The flannel shirt... Is that a nod
to the crispy Seattle weather?
Or are you trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
Oh, wow, you're filling out there.
Oh, wow, your face is catching up with your mouth.
I went by Dad's office.
He is not your dad. Go torture a new family.
Just because my mother marries someone else
doesn't mean he's my father.
That's exactly what it means.
I hope you're not thinking of staying here.
I sure want to.
I got a place near school.
Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast?
I hear girls at NYU aren't at all particular.
You're funny.
Hey!
You just got here, and already you're playing couch commando.
In some parts of the universe,
it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
I so need lessons from you on how to be cool.
Tell me that part about Kenny G. Again.
Come on, you chuckleheads! Get in here!
Josh, are you still growing?
You look taller than you did at Easter.
I don't think so.
His head looks bigger.
So, Josh, have you given any thought
to our discussion about corporate law?
I think I'd like to check out environmental law.
What for? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
Josh will have that no matter what he does.
He knows what he wants to do.
He's in a good college.
I'd like to see you have some direction.
I have direction.
Yeah. Towards the mall.
Where's your report card?
It's not ready yet.
What do you mean it's not ready yet?
Some teachers were trying to lowball me, Daddy.
You say never accept a first offer.
These grades are a jumping-off point
to start negotiations.
Very good.
[Telephone Rings]
- Dee? - Hello? - Yeah?
Yeah, Jake. What?
No! Not the afternoon!
You are such a brownnoser.
You are such a superficial space cadet.
What makes you think your teachers will change your grades?
Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.
I told my P.E. teacher
an evil male had broken my heart.
So she raised my C to a B.
They're horrible! Don't feel bad!
And they're all like this.
Then I promised Miss Geist
I'd start a letter-writing campaign to my congressman
about violations of the Clean Air Act.
But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.
He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured,
and unconvincing.
As if!
I felt impotent and out of control,
which I really hate.
I needed to find sanctuary
in a place where I could gather my thoughts
and regain my strength.
What's wrong?
Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?
No. Nothing like that.
We've been shopping all day,
and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.
I've tried everything to convince him
of my scholastic aptitude,
but I was brutally rebuffed.
He's a miserable little man
who wants to make everyone else miserable, too.
Dee, that's it!
We've got to figure out a way
to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.
Here's the 411 on Mr. Hall...
He's single, he's 47,
and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job.
What that man needs is a good, healthy boink fest.
Unfortunately,
there was a major babe drought in my school.
The evil trolls from the math department
were actually married.
Ooh, Snickers.
And in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers,
Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented.
Of course, there was always Miss Geist.
Something told me not to discount Miss Geist.
Well, sure, she has runs in her stockings,
and her slip is always showing,
and she has more lipstick on her teeth than on her mouth.
Popular uprisings from estates to the general assembly!
God, this woman is screaming for a makeover.
I'm her only hope.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
but thy eternal summer shall not fade."
Did you write that?
Tscha! It's a famous quote.
From where?
Cliffs Notes.
[Miss Geist] Run along. See you third period.
Try to remember to bring our textbooks.
Oh, my God! She actually looked happy.
Classic!
Paradoasm Banofshon... 16 tardies to work off.
[Cursing In Foreign Language]
Janet Hong... no tardies.
Travis Birkenstock... 38 tardies.
By far the most tardies in the class.
Congratulations.
This is so unexpected.
I didn't even have a speech prepared.
Uh, but I would like to say this.
Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own.
Many, many people contributed to my tardiness.
Thanks to my parents for never giving me a ride to school,
the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid,
the wonderful crew at McDonald's
for spending hours making those Egg McMuffins,
without which I might never be tardy.
If Mr. Birkenstock has no political messages
to include in his speech,
I'll go on.
Cher Horowitz... two tardies.
I object!
Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?
One was last Monday.
Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave.
I had to haul ass to the ladies.
I assume you are referring to women's troubles,
so I'll let that one slide.
Thank you, Mr. Hall.
Miss Geist was right about you.
What do you mean?
Well, she said that you were
the only one in this school with any intelligence.
Cher, get in here.
Yes, Daddy?
Will you tell me what the hell this is?
A second notice for three outstanding tickets.
I don't remember getting a first notice.
The ticket is the first notice.
I didn't know you could get tickets without a license!
Sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.
Well, not around here you can't.
From this moment on, you will not drive,
sit, do anything in that Jeep
without a supervised driver.
No cruising around with Dionne.
Two permits do not equal a license.
Do I make myself clear?
Yes, Daddy.
Cher, I expect you to become a good driver.
I will. I'm going to practice real hard.
O.K.
A licensed driver with nothing to do?
Where would I find such a loser?
Granola breath, you got something on your chin.
I'm growing a goatee.
You don't want to be the last one
at the coffeehouse without chin pubes.
I enjoy these little chats of ours,
but in the interest of saving time,
just tell me what you want.
O.K.
So, actually, I have a permit,
but Daddy says I can't take the Jeep out
without a licensed driver.
Since you're not doing anything...
What are the chances of you shutting up
till you get your way?
Slim to none.
Come on.
Hey, James Bond.
In America, we drive on the right side of the road.
I am. You try driving in platforms.
I got to get back to school.
Want to practice parking?
What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.
What class you going to?
Actually, I'm going to a Tree People meeting.
We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
How fabulous.
Getting Marky Mark to take time
from his busy pants-dropping schedule
to plant trees.
Why don't you hire a gardener?
Maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity
for a good cause, make a contribution.
In case you've never heard of that,
a contribution is...
I have donated many Italian outfits to Lucy.
As soon as I get my license,
I fully intend to brake for animals,
and I have contributed many hours
to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs.
If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 90% selfish,
I'd die of shock.
Oh, that would be reason enough for me.
Would you call me selfish?
No. Not to your face.
Really?
Is Josh giving you shit
because he's in his postadolescent idealistic phase?
Look, there's Mr. Hall.
Mr. Hall! Mr. Hall!
Um, do you drink coffee?
Not from this cafeteria.
Yes, under normal circumstances.
I am such a retard.
When I was packing Daddy's lunch,
I gave him my lemon Snapple
and took his sucky Italian roast.
Do you want it?
You sure you don't want it?
Tscha! It might stunt my growth.
I want to be 5'10 like Cindy Crawford.
But I thought you or Miss Geist might like it.
Maybe you could share it.
Well... thanks.
Sure.
- Miss Geist! - Miss Geist!
Did you sign up for the environmental fair?
We will.
You have pretty eyes. Don't hide them.
These clips are so cute.
And this tiny little waist.
Look. Wow.
Girls.
Oh, don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.
Not a total Betty, but a vast improvement.
We did our best.
We got to book to P.E.
Come on, Dee.
I feel like bailing, dude.
I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise.
I feel like such a heifer.
I had two bowls of Special K,
three pieces of turkey bacon,
five peanut butter M&M's,
and, like, three pieces of licorice.
Oh, my God. Look.
Is that a photo op or what?
Look at that body language...
Legs crossed towards each other.
That's an unequivocal sex invite.
Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits.
Look at Geist. She is so cute.
Ohh.
Old people can be so sweet.
? The world is full of fools?
? Who never get it right?
? You don't know what to do?
? So you do anything you like?
? Put your feet in drive?
? Oh, you're a silly thing?
? Put your feet in drive?
? You're such a pretty thing?
? You're going out tonight?
? There's nothing to lose...??
The entire student body was utterly grateful
for the improvement in their grades.
? Don't ever change?
? No, never change??
Cher, what's this all about?
My report card?
The same semester?
Uh-huh.
What did you do? Turn in extra credit?
No.
Take the midterms over?
Uh-uh.
You mean to tell me
that you argued your way from a C-plus to an A-minus?
Totally based on my powers of persuasion.
You proud?
I couldn't be happier if they were based on real grades.
Fabulous.
I felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds.
Ah-choo!
Dee, when your allergies act up,
take out your nose ring.
Follow through! There you go.
There you go.
All right, Cher!
Earth to Cher. Come in, Cher.
Ms. Stoeger...
I would just like to say
that physical education in this school is a disgrace.
I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes
is hardly aerobically effective.
I doubt I worked off the calories
in a stick of Carefree gum.
- Whoo! - Whoo!
You exercised your mouth, Cher.
Hit the ball.
Ms. Stoeger,
that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Thanks for the legal advice.
Dionne, you're up.
I have a note from my tennis instructor
saying I shouldn't expose myself to any training
that might derail his teachings.
Fine.
Amber!
My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity
where balls fly at my nose.
Well, there goes your social life.
[Man] Ms. Stoeger...
got another one.
Ladies, we have a new student with us.
This is Tai Frasier.
You could hit a few balls in those clothes.
She could be a farmer in those clothes.
Dee, my mission is clear.
Would you look at that girl?
She is so adorably clueless.
We've got to adopt her.
She is toe up.
Our stock would plummet.
Don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?
No.
Come here! Yeah, come here.
Hang with us.
Oh, thank you.
How do you like California?
Man, I'm freakin'.
I could really use some sort of herbal refreshment.
We do lunch in 10 minutes.
We don't have any tea, but we have Coke.
You guys got coke here?
Yeah. This is America.
So we decided to show Tai
the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.
That is Alana's group over there.
They do the TV station.
They think that's the most important thing on Earth.
And that's the Persian Mafia.
You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW.
There's Elton in the white vest,
with all the most popular boys.
Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?
If you decide to date a high school boy,
they're the only acceptable ones.
Which one of them's your boyfriend?
As if!
Cher's got attitude about high school boys.
It's a personal choice
every woman has got to make for herself.
Woman, lend me $5.00.
Murray, I have asked you repeatedly
not to call me woman.
Excuse me, Miss Dionne,
street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression.
Most feminine pronouns do have mocking
but not necessarily misogynistic undertone.
Wow. You guys talk like grownups.
Well, this is a really good school.
I'm going to go get a soda. Do you guys want?
Sure.
She's nice.
Ooh! Project!
Oh, wow.
That's disgusting.
[Giggles]
That's a nice representation.
Thanks.
Those are really nice stickers.
I was thinking it was too cluttered.
I want to concentrate on
one main decorative statement,
like Marvin the Martian right there.
I can do Marvin the Martian.
Really?
I mean there's not really a lot to him,
but you want to see?
Yeah.
That's really cool.
Thanks.
Wait. I got one here.
You didn't trace these?
Uh-uh. No.
Here's another one over here...
and lots of little guys.
That is so cute.
You're really good at it.
No.
No, really. You are.
Yeah.
Are you sure that's fat free?
Oh, yes.
And you lose weight by cutting it small.
I met a really cool guy.
Describe.
He's got long hair.
Straight off he offers me some smoke.
There he is!
Are you talking about drugs?
Yeah.
Tai, how old are you?
I'll be 16 in May.
My birthday's in April, and as someone older,
can I please give you some advice?
It is one thing to spark up a doobie at parties,
but it is another to be fried all day.
Do you see the distinction?
Yeah.
Loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll.
Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things,
and we all laugh, of course,
but no respectable girl actually dates them.
You don't want to start off
on the wrong foot, do you?
I've got an idea.
Let's do a makeover.
[Gasp]
No. No.
Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover.
It gives her a sense of control in a chaotic world.
Please?
Sure. Why not?
You guys, I've never had straight friends before.
? I don't care?
? What my teachers say?
? I'm gonna be a supermodel?
? And everyone?
? Is gonna dress like me?
? Wait and see?
? When I'm a supermodel?
? And my hair will shine like the sea?
? And everyone?
? Will want to look?
? Just like me?
? Eeee?
? 'Cause I'm young?
? I'm hip?
? And so beautiful?
? I'm going to be a supermodel??
Squeeze your buttocks when you come up.
Squeeze in.
I don't want to do this anymore.
My buns don't feel nothing like steel.
O.K. It will get easier. I promise.
Just as long as we do it every day, not sporadically.
How do you know if we're doing it sporadically?
We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary.
Sporadic means once in a while.
Use it in a sentence today.
From now on,
we're alternating Cindy Crawford's Aerobicize
and Buns Of Steel
and reading one nonschool book a week.
My first book is Fit Or Fat.
Mine is Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
Good.
That takes care of our minds and bodies,
but we should do something good for mankind
for a couple of hours.
Hey, brainiac.
Ugh. The dreaded ex.
Tai, this is Josh.
Nice to meet you.
Hey! You know about this stuff.
I want to do something good for humanity.
How about sterilization?
Ha ha ha!
So what do you think?
I'm amazed.
That I am devoting myself so generously to someone else?
That you found someone more clueless than you are
to worship you.
I am rescuing her from teenage hell.
The wounds of adolescence
can take years to heal.
You've never had a mother.
You're acting out on that poor girl
like your Barbie doll.
Freshman Psych.
I am not taking Psych.
I am going to take that lost soul
and make her well-dressed and popular.
Her life will be better because of me.
How many girls can say that about you?
? Mentos better?
? Mentos fresher?
? Fresh goes better?
? With Mentos, fresh and full of life!??
[Television] Mentos.
The freshmaker.
Be seeing ya.
Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
Do you see how boys are responding?
My heart is totally bursting.
I know!
Cher, you have Deamer?
Geist.
Hey, Tai, did you get a flyer?
Uh-uh.
Wow! A party!
It's in the Valley.
The cops usually break them up in less than an hour,
and it takes that long to get there.
It's just local loadies.
Do you guys think Travis will be there?
I thought we moved on from there.
Don't sell yourself short.
You've got something no one here has.
I'm not a virgin.
As far as everyone's concerned,
you're the most popular girl in your school.
The fact that you hang with Dee and l, well...
Speaks very highly of you.
If you strike while the iron is hot,
you can have any guy that you want.
Like who?
Who's available?
There's Bronson...
I got it! Elton!
He just broke up with Folette!
Who's Elton?
He's way popular,
like the social director of the Crew.
His dad can get you into any concert.
I noticed him scoping you out.
He was looking at me?
Says you gave him a toothache.
How'd I do that?
He thought you were sweet.
Yeah?
Yeah? Wow!
Is that true?
No.
You are so bad!
O.K., you guys, all get together.
That is great.
Smile!
Tai, get a little closer.
Closer, Tai.
Oh, great.
Hey, Elton, um...
why don't you put your arm around Tai?
All right.
Yeah, that's good.
O.K.
O.K. Tai. Come here, Tai.
Hold that.
O.K.
Cool picture.
Doesn't she look classic?
Yeah, she's beautiful.
She's like one of those Botticelli chicks.
Why don't you make me a copy of this, O.K.?
Sure.
Hi, Daddy. This is my friend Tai.
Get out of my chair!
Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.
What is this crap?
It's from the Cut Your Cholesterol Cookbook.
Dr. Lovett says that you've got to get down to 200.
[Beep]
No calls tonight.
But it's Dionne. It might be important.
We're having a nice family dinner.
So, uh, what did you do in school today?
Well...
I broke in my purple clogs.
[Telephone Rings]
Yeah, hello?
[Ring]
Dee? What up?
So check it.
Murray's Geometry class
is right by Elton's locker.
Taped up inside was the picture of Tai.
Oh, my God.
Elton's got a picture of you in his locker.
Oh, no shit!
Hello?
The whole crew is going to this party
in the Valley.
Bye.
We're going to have to make a cameo at the Val party.
I said I wanted it in the morning! No!
Just look at the top of the map.
Sun Valley is north.
No. All I see is Bel Air.
You're on the wrong map.
Look at the number on the top.
There are no numbers. There's letters.
Uh!
Murray, shut up.
[Cher] Listen, Tai, when we get there,
make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first.
Look like you're having fun and you're popular.
Talk to a guy in his eyeline.
Make him come to you.
Find an excuse to leave during the conversation.
Always have him wanting more.
I got it.
Heads up!
Oh! Did you just see that?
Skateboards. That is, like, so five years ago.
You guys came. That's great.
You want a beer? I'll get you a beer.
No.
Yeah! Oh, yeah! This shit is whack.
This is ragin'.
Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.
Aah! Hey!
Who was that?
Cher, ain't that the same dress
that you was wearing yesterday?
Say, Ambular.
Hi!
Was that you going through my laundry?
As if!
Like I would really wear something from Judy's.
Do you prefer fashion victim
or ensembly challenged?
Uh!
That clone.
You look much better in that dress.
Hey!
[Spills Drink]
Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?
I'm sorry.
Excuse me. My shoes.
Uh!
This is so not fixable.
It's a small price to pay to the party gods.
Look, I'll make amends.
How about some chronic shit?
It's the least you can do.
Let's spark it.
Hey, Elton's over there.
Act like Travis is saying something funny.
Sorry.
Ha ha ha!
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Oh, here.
Hey, everyone. Let's play suck and blow.
[Laughter And Applause]
God, Elton! Can't you suck?
Aah! No!
It's Dee! Come on!
[Dionne] What have you done?
Oh, my God!
Why did you do this to your head?
'Cause I'm keeping it real.
Look what he's done! Can you believe this?
Look at Lawrence's head.
It's the bomb!
You look good!
As will you.
What do you care what he thinks?
I have to look at you.
What am I going to do with you now?
Right before the yearbook pictures?
What will I tell my grandchildren?
You know what?
O.K. That's it.
I'm calling your mother.
Hold up! No, no, no!
Wait! Don't call my mom!
Yo, man! Chill! Chill!
Don't call my mom!
The same thing happened at the spring dance.
She spent the entire afterparty in the bathroom.
That almost destroyed my buzz.
I'm still baked.
[Glass Breaking]
What do you say
we go bump into people?
Yeah. I'm cool with that.
Hey, Tai! Wait up!
Are you O.K.?
Yeah. Where's your sense of good hospitality?
That was so cool the way you did that.
I wish I could do it.
Oh, no. Don't.
Why not?
If girls did it, how would guys impress them?
I don't know, like...
stuff.
What kind of stuff?
Tai, I need you.
Elton's over there.
? Rollin' with my homies?
? Rollin' with my homies??
Tai!
Tai! Elton, help me!
Use this.
You guys should use ice.
Travis, we've got it under control!
Tai, are you O.K.?
Travis, Tai would have wanted you
to enjoy the party.
If it's a concussion, keep her conscious.
Ask her questions.
What's 7 times 7?
Stuff she knows.
That's some bump you got there.
Yeah.
You ready to go back out there?
Yeah, I am.
You sure? Can you do this?
? Rollin' with the homies?
? Rollin' with the homies??
Good! Let's do it. You're ready.
I had to give myself snaps
for all the good deeds I was doing.
It was great. Love was everywhere,
and even though I was alone,
I was really happy for Tai.
It's like that book I read in ninth grade
that said, 'Tis a far, far better thing
doing stuff for other people."
- [Telephone Rings] - [Helicopter]
Hello?
Do you know what time it is?
A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Daddy.
Where are you?
Having a snack with my girlfriends.
Where, in Kuwait?
Is that in the Valley?
I expect you to walk in this door in 20 minutes.
Well, um, it might take longer than that, Dad.
Everywhere in L.A. takes 20 minutes.
[Helicopter]
Sorry to make you leave.
Dionne's bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, Summer.
Hi. Pretty random fiesta. Want a ride home?
That would be great. Thanks.
No, I got her.
I'm right below Wilshire and Linden.
That's right near me. I'm above Olympic.
Great. Tai will go with Summer.
Cher, you'll come with me.
Actually, if you take Wilshire to Canon,
that turns into Benedict.
Then she'd have to go back south,
and I'm already going north.
But you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset.
That doesn't make any sense.
I'd have to get off the freeway.
I hate that.
Tai, go with Summer. Cher, you'll come with me.
Watch your feet.
Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
? Away?
? Turn away?
? Turn away??
I really love her hair
when it's all wild, you know?
It's also very pretty when it's all up
with that curly tendrils,
like in that picture I took.
You know, you're one of my best friends,
and I do not have friends that are girls.
Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.
It does?
Sure. I saw how hard your breakup with Folette was.
Yeah. I think we both know
what it feels like to be lonely.
Whatever.
The thing is, I'd really like to see you settled.
Where are we going?
I knew it.
You knew what?
That you were totally sprung on me.
Hello? Don't you mean Tai?
Tai?
Her picture's in your locker.
The picture you took is in my locker.
Oh, I'm having a Twin Peaks experience.
I knew it when you kissed me.
Suck and blow is a game, Elton.
I know it's a game.
Stop it!
Fine.
You know, I don't get you, Cher.
You flirt with me all year...
As if!
I have been trying to get you with Tai!
Tai?
Why would I go with Tai?
Why not?
Don't you even know who my father is?
You are a snob and a half.
Cher, listen to me.
Me and Tai...
we don't make any sense.
All right?
Me and... and you...
well, I mean...
it makes sense.
Cut it out!
Come on!
Stop it!
Cher!
Where you going?
You're only hurting yourself here, baby.
You going to walk home?
Get back in the car, please.
Get back in the car.
Leave me alone!
Fine!
Hey! Where are you going?
[Screeching Tires]
Oh, shit!
[Telephone Ringing]
Valley information.
Do you have a number of a cab company?
Which one?
I don't know. What do you have?
Hand it over. Give me the phone.
[Whimpering]
O.K. The bag, too.
Come on!
All right. Now, uh...
get down on the ground face down.
Come on!
Oh, no. You don't understand.
This is an Alaia.
An a-what-a?
It's, like, a totally important designer.
I will totally shoot you in the head.
Get down!
[Whimpering]
That's good.
Yeah. All right.
Um...
Count to 100. Thank you.
1...
2... 3...
The evening had turned into a royal mess...
sexually harassed,
robbed.
I didn't know the number of the party,
so I couldn't call Dionne,
and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was.
There was just one person left to call,
and I really, really didn't want to call him.
Come on.
[Telephone Rings]
Hello?
Josh, you busy?
It's Mel's daughter.
I was at this party,
and my designated driver tried to attack me.
I got out, but then he drove off
and deserted me.
Then this guy with a gun held me up,
took my money and my phone,
yelled at me, and forced me to ruin my dress.
O.K. O.K.
Um, where are you?
Sun Valley.
Man, you owe me.
The man is ridiculous.
He doesn't have one unique thought
in his little, puny brain.
I think that there's some merit
in learning form straight off.
Oh, Josh, please!
He's taken our minds at the most fecund point
and restrained them before they've wandered
through the garden of ideas.
It's just like Hamlet said,
To thine own self be true.
No. Hamlet didn't say that.
I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately,
and he didn't say that.
That Polonius guy did.
Ha ha ha!
I'm going to walk Heather to her door.
Try and stay out of trouble.
Ew! My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.
I didn't know what I was going to say to Tai.
I felt really nervous.
Even Fabian, my masseuse,
said I had a lot of tension in my back.
- It's my hips, isn't it? - No, of course not.
Don't be stupid. You could do so much better.
He thinks he's all that, Tai.
Yeah. God's gift.
You're too good for him.
If I'm too good for him,
then how come I'm not with him?
I have got an idea.
Let's blow off seventh and eighth,
go to the mall, have a calorie fest,
and see the new Christian Slater.
Yes!
Oh, you guys!
Look at him. Ooh, baby.
Break me off a piece of that.
Ha ha ha!
Survey says?
Doable.
Puny. I like them big.
Oh, I hate muscles.
I don't really care either way.
Just as long as his you-know-what
isn't crooked.
I really hate that.
What?
Shh! Don't scare her.
Why? What's wrong?
Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.
Cher, you're a virgin?
God! You say it like it's a bad thing.
Besides, the PC term is hymenally challenged.
I am not interested in doing it
until I find the right person.
You see how picky I am about my shoes.
They only go on my feet.
You're one to talk, Dee.
Oh, wait a minute!
I thought that you and Murray were...
My man is satisfied.
He's got no cause for complaints.
But technically, I am a virgin.
You know what I mean.
Oh, God.
What's wrong, Tai?
They're playing our song...
The one that Elton and I danced to.
Oh.
? Rollin' with the homies??
Oh, Tai.
Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
[Crying]
Oh, my gosh.
Stop!
I could tell Tai's grieving period
would be considerable,
unless I found someone
to take Elton's place right away.
I don't want to be a traitor to my generation,
but I don't get how guys dress today.
It looks like they just fell out of bed
and put on some baggy pants
and take their greasy hair... Ugh!
And cover it up with a backwards cap,
and, like, we're expected to swoon?
I don't think so.
Searching for a boy in high school
is as useless as searching for meaning
in a Pauly Shore movie.
So this must be the elusive Christian.
Where should I park?
There's one. Third back.
O.K. O.K.
Now, I know I said I would find a guy for Tai,
but I suppose there's no harm in finding one for myself also.